Last week my friend at The Drunk Runner included me in a writing project. The assignment is to write about something I found challenging and how I overcame it. I wrote a tongue in cheek tweet back to her as my answer but of course it wasn’t acceptable.
The thing is all my past challenges are just that, in the past. I have moved on and I don’t even bother thinking about them. I don’t look back at those times for motivation or inspiration of “I did it! I survived and I’m even more awesome for it.” Those times are building blocks to a foundation of knowing what I am capable of, they give me unyielding support. Why would I dig those up? Think about it.
Then again, maybe I cannot see the forest for the trees.
I’m grieving a friend who passed on last month. I’m neck deep in the 5 stages of grief. Which is annoying when you know all of them and keep asking yourself, “OK which stage do I assign this feeling to?” The truth is you can bounce through all 5 stages at once and have no progress, they’re not definitively in order. At the moment I’m straddling between acceptance and depression. For some self masochistic torture I’ll dip back into denial and bartering. This is my in the moment challenge, this is what I am trying very hard to move past. All the while still functioning as a somewhat responsible adult.
From past experiences I know this is a temporary state of mind – people in my life have died before. I will be able to move on and look back on my time with her with only happiness. But fuck all that right now – right now it hurts. Time is the only thing that is going to get me through this. Since time is relative there is nothing I can do but to wait the grief out, to experience all the emotions and not bury them away.
One day I will let go of her and move on. Knowing this is how I’ll get through it.